It’s the Holiday Season, and 1 in 3 of Us is Lonely

Attention is the most basic form of love.

Many of us will be gathering with family and friends at Thanksgiving. In my own family, we’ve gathered in the same way for so many years that I’ve come to take it for granted. But millions of people around the world have no one to be with on this holiday. Think about that for a moment – what it feels like to watch those around you celebrating while you are alone.

When you’re lonely, it hurts. And I don’t mean that metaphorically. Loneliness has a physical effect on the body. Feeling lonely is associated with:

• greater sensitivity to pain

• poorer ability to fight off infection

• diminished brain function

Research has shown that loneliness is twice as unhealthy as obesity, and chronic loneliness increases a person’s odds of death in any given year.

Recent stats are alarming:

• One of every three people in the world reports that they feel lonely often or most of the time. The loneliest age group is 16–24-year-olds, at least 40 percent of whom report feeling lonely “frequently” or “almost all of the time.”

• Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, surveys revealed that more than one out of four adults in the US felt moderate to high levels of loneliness.

• In 2020 in the US, it was estimated that 162,000 deaths could be attributed to causes stemming from social isolation.

The cure for loneliness is elusive.

Alleviating this epidemic of loneliness is difficult because what makes one person feel lonely might have no effect on someone else. Because loneliness is a subjective experience, we can’t rely on easily observable indicators like whether or not someone lives alone. One person might have a partner and too many friends to count and yet feel lonely, while another person might live alone and have a few close contacts yet feel very connected. The objective facts of a person’s life are not enough to explain why someone is lonely.

Loneliness arises from a gap between the kind of social contact you want and the social contact you actually have. That gap can arise from many different causes, including shyness or fear of others, geographical isolation, poor health or physical disability, and even overwork that leaves no time for connecting with others.

How can loneliness be physically harmful when it’s a feeling?

Answering that question is easier if we understand the biological roots of the problem. We humans evolved to be social. Fifty thousand years ago, being alone was dangerous. If someone was left at her tribe’s river settlement by herself, her body and brain would switch into “fight-or-flight” mode. The need to recognize threats would fall on her alone, so her body would prepare to meet threats by increasing heart rate and blood pressure and increasing levels of stress hormones in the bloodstream to help keep her more alert.

If her family or tribe were away overnight and she had to sleep by herself, her sleep would be shallower; if a predator was approaching, she would want to know, so she would be more easily aroused, and she would experience more awakenings in the night. If for some reason she found herself alone for a month rather than a night, these physical processes would continue, morphing into a droning, constant sense of unease, and they would begin to take a toll on her mental and physical health.

The same effects of loneliness continue today. The feeling of loneliness is a kind of alarm bell ringing inside the body. At first, its signals may help us. We need them to alert us to a problem. But imagine living in your house with a soft but steady fire alarm going off all day, every day, and you start to get a sense of what chronic loneliness is doing behind the scenes to our minds and bodies.

There is now a vast body of research revealing strong links between health and social connection, associations that we believe trace back to the origins of our species. Our basic relationship needs are simple: we need love, connection, and a feeling of belonging. But we now live in complicated social environments where meeting those needs is a challenge. And each of us can do something to help.

Who in your life might be lonely? Reach out to them.

As we move into the holiday season, think about the people in your life – people at home, in your community, at work. Consider reaching out to one person who you suspect is more alone than they want to be. Ask them how they’re planning to spend the holidays. Might they welcome an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner, or just a casual suggestion that you two get together for coffee?

This gesture is not just for their benefit, but for yours. As the Zen teacher John Tarrant reminds us, “Attention is the most basic form of love.” Giving your attention to someone who is lonely can be life-giving and even lifesaving.

Let that one simple action be your contribution to easing the loneliness epidemic.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanks for reading The Good Life with Robert Waldinger.

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