I’ve been thinking a lot lately about something that affects all of us but rarely gets the attention it deserves: isolation. It’s one of those sneaky things that can settle into our lives without us even realizing it. You might think isolation means being physically alone, but that’s not always the case. I’ve seen people feel profoundly isolated while surrounded by colleagues at work, sitting across from their spouse at dinner, or even at a crowded party where everyone seems to be having a great time.
What I’ve learned through decades of research (and what we dive deep into in The Good Life) is that isolation does real damage to our bodies and minds. When we feel disconnected, something ancient kicks in—our brain essentially hits the panic button. It’s like our nervous system thinks we’ve been cast out from the tribe and won’t survive on our own. This triggers what researchers call hypervigilance, and suddenly our body is flooded with stress hormones, our sleep gets disrupted, and our immune system starts breaking down. Over time, this can lead to inflammation of our joints, heart problems, and even affect how clearly we think.
But here’s what’s fascinating and a bit counterintuitive: the number of people in your life doesn’t matter nearly as much as the quality of those relationships. I’ve met people who have hundreds of social media connections but feel desperately alone, and others who have just two or three close relationships and feel deeply supported. Sometimes a difficult marriage or toxic friendship can actually be worse for your health than being on your own. What really protects us is having relationships built on genuine warmth, trust, and mutual care.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has been following people’s lives for over 85 years now, keeps pointing to the same conclusion: good relationships aren’t just nice to have—they’re essential for our health and longevity. When someone you care about holds your hand during a tough moment or really listens when you’re struggling, something measurable happens in your body. Your stress levels drop, your heart rate stabilizes, and you literally return to a state of calm more quickly.
One way to think of this is “social fitness”—just like we need to exercise our bodies, we need to exercise our capacity for connection. Relationships don’t maintain themselves; they need our attention and care. Sometimes it’s as simple as texting someone who’s been on your mind, or putting your phone away during dinner so you can really be present with the people at your table. I’ve found that even small investments—a five-minute call, remembering to ask how someone’s big presentation went, showing up when someone needs you—create the foundation for deeper connection over time.
So here’s what I want you to consider as you go about your week: who in your circle might be feeling a bit isolated right now? Maybe it’s the neighbor you haven’t seen in a while, or a friend who’s been quieter than usual. Reaching out doesn’t just help them—it strengthens the very connections that keep all of us resilient and healthy.
Isolation might work quietly, but connection has its own quiet power. When we make the effort to really see and support each other, we’re not just being kind—we’re participating in something that makes life richer and more meaningful for everyone involved.
*Insights adapted from Waldinger & Schulz, “The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness”*