What 86 Years of Research Taught Me About Living a Good Life

When I tell people I direct the longest study on happiness ever conducted, they usually ask the same question: "So what's the secret to a good life?" After 86 years of following the same people from adolescence to old age, I can give you a clear answer—though it may not be what you expect.

The Study That Surprised Us All

Back in 1938, nobody imagined we'd still be collecting data today. We started with two groups of young men: privileged Harvard undergraduates and boys from Boston's poorest neighborhoods. The original question was simple: what helps people thrive as they transition from adolescence to adulthood?

What we discovered over nearly nine decades changed everything we thought we knew about human flourishing.

The Most Important Finding

The people who live longest, stay healthiest, and report the highest levels of happiness aren't those with the most money, fame, or professional success. They're the people with the strongest, warmest relationships.

This finding was so surprising that we initially didn't believe our own data. We reanalyzed everything, convinced we'd made an error. But the results held firm, and subsequent studies with different populations confirmed what we'd found: good relationships don't just make us happier—they literally keep us alive longer.

How Relationships Get Under Our Skin

The most shocking discovery wasn't that relationships affect our mood—that seemed obvious. It was how they shape our physical health. People with better relationships are significantly less likely to develop heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and other chronic illnesses.

Here's how we think it works: relationships act as stress regulators. When something stressful happens—and it happens to all of us daily—our bodies rev up with increased heart rate, faster breathing, and stress hormones flooding our system. This fight-or-flight response is healthy and necessary. But then our bodies need to calm down.

When you can go home and talk to someone you trust, or call a friend, you can literally feel your body settling. Without these connections, we remain in a chronic state of low-level stress that gradually breaks down our immune system, cardiovascular health, and cognitive function.

The Loneliness Epidemic

In my work, I've learned that loneliness isn't about being alone—it's about feeling less connected than you want to be. You can feel lonely in a marriage, lonely in a crowd, lonely at a party surrounded by people.

The key insight I share with patients and audiences is this: loneliness is a signal, like hunger or thirst. It's your body and mind telling you that you need more human connection. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.

Practical Steps I Recommend

If you're feeling disconnected from your partner: Instead of complaining about what's wrong, make a positive suggestion for connection. Rather than "We never spend time together," try "Could we take a walk after dinner tonight?"

If social anxiety holds you back: Remember that building relationships is like batting in baseball—if you connect one time out of three, you're doing amazingly well. Most people will respond kindly to genuine attempts at connection.

To build new friendships: Find something you care about or love to do, then do it alongside other people repeatedly. Whether it's gardening, volunteering, or playing pickleball, shared activities create natural opportunities for deeper connection.

The Money Question

People often ask me about money's role in happiness. The research is clear: money matters enormously—until your basic needs are met. Food security, safe housing, healthcare access—these are fundamental to well-being.

But once those needs are covered, additional wealth doesn't significantly increase happiness. I've counseled people who felt terrible because they weren't billionaires yet. When I ask what the billion dollars would be for, many can't answer. They're chasing an arbitrary number rather than asking what would actually improve their lives.

Think of money as a tool, not the goal. What's it for? And will getting it actually make you happier?

The Comparison Trap

As both a researcher and a Zen teacher, I see how comparison steals our joy. Social media is particularly problematic because it pulls for comparison—we see others' curated highlight reels and compare them to our mundane reality.

But notice how some activities don't trigger comparison at all. When you're gardening or bird watching, you're not thinking about how your tomatoes stack up against your neighbor's. You're simply appreciating beauty and engaging with what you love.

The Wisdom of Aging

One of the most beautiful findings from our study is how people naturally become wiser about what matters as they age. When we confront life's finite nature, we don't become depressed—we become more selective about how we spend our time.

We stop obsessing over what I call "the curtains"—how things look on the surface—and start appreciating "the view"—the actual richness of our experiences and relationships.

A Personal Note

People sometimes expect that as a Zen master and happiness researcher, I've achieved some final state of perpetual calm. The truth is, I still wake up some mornings feeling confused, sad, or like I'm doing everything wrong. The difference is that I've learned to work with these waves rather than being swept away by them.

As the meditation teacher John Kabat-Zinn says: "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."

Your Own Mini Study

Try this exercise I use in my talks: Find a photograph of yourself from when you were half your current age. Ask yourself: What mattered to me then? What's important to me now? How have I grown and changed?

This reflection reveals how we naturally evolve toward valuing relationships and experiences over achievements and possessions. It's not that ambition is wrong—it's that we gradually learn to see it in proper perspective.

The Bottom Line

After 86 years of rigorous research, I can tell you with confidence: the good life isn't about accumulating more or reaching some final destination where everything is perfect. It's about nurturing the relationships right in front of you, treating each day as an opportunity to connect, and remembering that the best predictor of a life well-lived isn't what you achieve—it's how you love and allow yourself to be loved.

The next time you feel pulled toward the next purchase, promotion, or milestone, pause and ask: When have I been happiest? I'll bet the answer involves other people, shared experiences, and moments of genuine connection.

That's not just my opinion—it's what the science shows us, year after year, life after life.